Do we speak the same love language?

Do you recognize that? You're clearly showing how much you love your loved one but it doesn't seem to be gaining weight. Every time you want to have a good conversation or have a nice meal together, your partner doesn't give a home. He/she is busy, still wants to clean up the house, the children still need a bath and, by the way, your lover doesn't really seem to need to talk either. Hmm... a typical example of a couple that each speaks a different “love language”.

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Flip

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When you notice this, it always helps to take a change of perspective. Let's see what's going on in your partner's head. After all, it is possible that he/she also has a number of questions and frustrations. For example, “Why does he/she always come running in so late with that phone to their ear, while I'm cooking again? Does he/she even notice what I do?! Vacuum the car, make a cup of tea... I'm not in the mood anymore.”

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My love does not arrive

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One thing is certain: both do their best for the other. Yet they don't seem to understand each other. How is this possible? Some couples show their love in a way that the other person doesn't recognize. They speak a different language, as it were. In the case of the example, someone would like quality time by going out together, making time for each other and having a good conversation. The other shows affection by cleaning up the car, making a cup of tea and cooking good food. They both try to express their positive feelings in a loving way. But unfortunately: the other person doesn't pick it up.

What do you say?

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This isn't the only example where people appear to speak a different language. In my practice, I very regularly get people who don't seem to understand each other. As an outsider, it's easy to see that they both love each other in their own way. At the same time, it is painfully visible that love does not arrive and is therefore not received.

Fortunately, Gary Chapman, relationship counselor and author, has spent many hours unraveling the mystique of giving and receiving love. He discovered something extraordinary: if partners don't speak the same love language, love can disappear in the long run. And to think that a lot of couples don't even know they both speak a different language!

Love languages

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Chapman discovered 5 different languages in relationships, in other words: 5 ways in which people give love and receive love. We can show our love by:

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1. To give real attention

2. Speak positive and appreciative words

3. Gifts and gifts to give

4. To be caring and helpful and

5. Through physical touch

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Of course, there are dialects within these love languages and maybe you are bilingual. All of that is possible.

If you don't understand each other's love language, you can still show so much affection, but if it isn't recognized as love, the proverbial child is thrown away with the bathwater. Before you know it, you're going to doubt your relationship and whether your partner loves you... with all the consequences that entail.

Same love, different language

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Back to the couple in the previous example. Some people will share less and less and suggest quality time ideas, because they think the other is not waiting for them after all. At the same time, the caring partner feels less and less seen and valued and wonders annoyed with whom the other person has so much to discuss on the phone.

Using the 5 love languages, this couple found out that one spoke the language of “helpfulness and care” and the other the language of “giving attention”. They both express their affection for each other in their own way.

Burning fire

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With the knowledge of the 5 love languages, you can put yourself in the shoes of your partner and discover what you need from each other to keep your love fire burning. That does mean that sometimes you have to learn to speak a new language. After all, there is little point in talking to a Chinese person in Russian. Speaking a new language takes practice and that involves trial and error.

But imagine: the partner in our earlier example arranges a night out for them together and does their best for a good chat. The other person makes sure to get home on time for dinner and shows how nice it is that they cooked so well. In addition, he/she takes the items on the stairs and cleans them up. Can you imagine that a positive spiral is about to occur?

Test your language

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Should it also be the case that you sometimes have doubts and become uncertain about your relationship? Rest assured: the real cause is often not so much a shortage of love, but the fact that you 'talk' past each other. Are you curious about what love languages you and your partner speak? Take the test here. Some lucky ones find out that they speak an overlapping language, and that's a bonus!

Need support in your relationship? Expert Anoek Geerlings can support you and your partner. Find out how she can help you here.

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