How to keep your emotions under control during a difficult conversation
Emotions are often a topic that we don't often talk about in the workplace. However, we all have to deal with emotions that run high sometimes, with yourself or with a colleague. How do you ensure that your emotions don't get the better of you during a difficult conversation? Or do you want to know what is best to do when you see that a colleague is high in his or her emotions? We'll give you tips on how to best deal with emotions at work.
Suppressing your emotions: is that possible?
Everyone has been given a workplace where they feel safe to show emotions. Emotions can range from happy and enthusiastic to anxious and sad. At a young age, we often learn not to show negative emotions: “It's not cool when you cry” or “It's no use being sad”. It is therefore not surprising that in the average work culture, there is little room for emotions in the workplace.
Yet we are all human beings. And whether our emotions are positive or negative, they are just there. Completely suppressing your emotions will therefore never completely work, that would be unhealthy!
Controlling your own emotions
While it can actually be valuable to show your emotions in some situations (for example, it can be a deep and good conversation), there are also circumstances where you'd rather not show your emotions. In this blog, we look at how you can best deal with emotions in conversations from two sides.
In general, we know quite well what situations we get angry or sad in. But why do we actually get emotional at that moment? This has everything to do with our values and needs.
When an important value is touched in a conversation, you often already feel a wave of anger or sadness. If it is important to you that someone always fulfills their agreements, you can already get angry if someone is late. And if equality is an important value for you, you'll quickly feel frustrated if you're not allowed to speak out during a meeting.
It's also why we sometimes find performance appraisals complicated, especially when we don't feel valued for values that are important to ourselves.
If you are high on an unwanted emotion during a difficult conversation, there are two options to stay calm:
- Name what you're feeling, for example by saying, “I notice that this makes me [sad] and I can't quite explain why it's happening”. You don't have to search or ask for a solution right away, but by indicating this, you can already feel a lot calmer.
- If you are overwhelmed and you notice that it is getting too much for you, indicate that you want a break to let everything sink in. By taking a distance, you step out of the situation and you can pay attention to your emotion first. Indicate that you will come back to it, whether it's 5 minutes later or in a week.
Do you want to prepare for a difficult conversation? Then think not only about the substantive conversation, but also about the feelings and emotions that the conversation can bring about. Do you know that there are things on the agenda that you are already nervous about? Then you can indicate at the beginning of the conversation that you find it an exciting conversation, giving yourself and the other person space for any emotions.
Dealing with other people's emotions
When you see that a colleague's emotions are running high, you may wonder if you can help the other person. And if so, what is the best approach?
The best thing to do is make sure there is room to address those emotions. If the emotions are ignored in a conversation, this can worsen the relationship and, in addition, no message from the further conversation will arrive.
Listen actively and engage in a conversation with the other person based on the behavior you see. For example, ask, “Is it true that you are depressed?” when you see that the other person is sad. The most important thing here is that the colleague feels seen and heard and that there is room to ask how things are going.
Then you can zoom in on what he or she says. For example, ask about the concerns or needs that are indicated. And doesn't she want to talk about it? Then you can ask how things are going a day later. Find out what the other person's needs are and let the solution come from your colleague for that moment.
Dealing with conflict
Of course, you prefer to feel good about your work and performance throughout the year, and not just twice a year during that performance review. The RET model can give you more insight and help you distinguish between your thoughts and the event.
Do you want to get started practicing bad news conversations and addressing emotions? Take a look at the platform at “Coaches”.
